This topic contains 5 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by Neall Calvert 2 months, 1 week ago.
August 11, 2017 at 10:34 pm #6923
This was a poem written as a response to a prompt from a writers group in Nanaimo earlier this month. I haven’t written in a while, so it’s a bit rough. I don’t expect to submit it anywhere, but I thought I would share, to start this forum off.
Thanks for reading! Any responses are welcomed, critical or complimentary.
Prompt & title:
“The Human Mind is the Scariest thing of All”
Bubbled protein, electric current,
pathways cobbled between your ears
That voice whispering behind your ears
I am what you are, I am important
Philosophy deals with impermanence
of self, fragile egos, and the basis of emotion
philosophy was created by that soft
network, that crocheted blanket
an indecipherable pattern
repeating I am you.
This is a parasitic horror film, we are
hosts to these selves–fingers commanded
by that grey emporer in that bone castle,
a god among muscles, steel grey folds,
August 15, 2017 at 7:21 pm #6943
Jumbled. Would benefit from a single train of thought running through it, beginning to end, connecting the parts.
August 16, 2017 at 4:20 pm #6944
Good point! I agree that each section seems too distant from the others. Which section do you think is the least weak? I will make an editing attempt. I wasn’t a fan of the prompt, but I think working with a challenge is good practice.
August 24, 2017 at 1:48 pm #6951
Hmmm I don’t think it’s too disconnected. I would take out some parts though. Not because they don’t fit but because they’re less alive.
That said, lately I’ve been wondering how useful feedback is. On more than one occasion I’ve won an award for a piece of writing that someone told me needed to be changed. Or an editor will often ask me to get rid of everything I added post-feedback. I think that’s often because people confuse wanting to know more about something with an error that not enough was revealed. But that’s for fiction so less appropriate here.
I wonder what would happen if you took the poem apart–printed it then cut it up–and rearranged it? What if being jumbled was the point? As our brains often are! Mine sure is… This might also make it less of a philosophical poem in the academic way. Or what if it was clear that there were two voices?
Those are my jumbled up and probably useless thoughts.
Another thought: why not have a forum for feedback that requires a login? I will not post anything I’m working on that doesn’t require a login because then I can’t publish it. And if something doesn’t have a chance of ever being published, I don’t really want to share it!
September 12, 2017 at 12:18 pm #6957
Your thoughts are pretty spot on, I like your idea of mixing it up. Also, good point about the sharing problem–hm. We actually just made the forum so you didn’t have to login to make it easier to ask questions and share ideas… maybe I can make just this forum locked? I’ll look into it. Thanks for bringing it up, Jill!
January 13, 2018 at 12:53 am #7100
Sorry for not responding earlier; I did not get notice of a reply. . . . Here is a treatment of your poem that, to me, carries a hint of a line of thought. Thanks for the opportunity to look at it:
THE HUMAN MIND
IS THE SCARIEST THING
Bubbled protein, electric currents
cobbling pathways between the ears;
that voice whispering: I am
what you are; I am important.
Philosophy was created by that soft
network, that crocheted blanket,
that voice repeating: I am you—
the parasitic horror film too.
by a grey emperor in a bone castle
—a god among muscles—
type the rippling, echoing question: